Ever heard of self-sabotage?
I’ve been there.
As a yoga teacher I was frequently told I was a good teacher, but in my mind I fought demons trying to be better and better, doing one post-graduate course after another.
As a healer/therapist I was told by many clients how much I had helped them, but I was much more inclined to take notice of the no-shows.
I would listen in admiration and awe to other people talking of their successes and never notice that I didn’t.
I just didn’t seem to trust my own abilities.
I juggled working, caring for an elderly parent, helping out with my small grandchildren, while coping with the menopause. I loved it all (not the menopause); probably because to feel needed is a great elixir, but I spread myself too thin. I still wasn’t good enough you see.
For the first time in a long time I realised how much I had been doing, and cut right back, exactly as I would advise any of my clients when I saw exhaustion in them. I decided to spend more time on meditation and writing.
I followed my passion for researching ancient civilisations, and spirituality. I wrote a novel and published it. I went on meditation retreats, deepened my spiritual practice and met wonderful people.
However, when it came to publicising my novel I could feel my old ‘self-worth’ issues re-emerging – I wanted to cringe up into a ball and hide behind the sofa. I’m still not a lot further on than this, but the difference is – I’m aware of it.
Awareness is everything – when you are aware of something you can change it. Have you been watching ‘Humans’? If you have, you will know what I mean. ‘Synths’ or synthetic humans have received a code into their systems that makes them aware and feel emotions.
Perhaps we all have codes in our systems that make us believe we are less than we are? Could it be that we have learnt from birth a story that keeps us in this illusion? The books ‘The Four Agreements’ by Don Miguel Ruiz and ’The Fifth Agreement’ by Don Miguel Ruiz and Don Jose Ruiz, point out that what we think of as reality is in fact an illusion that we all create, and refers to it as ‘art’.
Our true nature is eternal spirit and we are having a human experience; when we arrive at this realisation, the greater awareness gives us more perspective.
I am aware that I have self-sabotaging tendencies; therefore I intend to create more positivity about what I do. Sound a bit hollow? Well, the dark space behind the sofa is beckoning – but – I’m aware of it, so that’s OK. I have a strategy.
Writing for me seems an indulgence, a kind of guilty pleasure; however if I share it, it seems to justify my efforts. So, I’m sharing that I have started to ‘interview’ the father of my hero in my follow-up novel. If this sounds strange – it is. But I’m telling you about it. How brave is that? I might even tell you more next time!