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October 2017

At The Level of the Mind

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I’ve got a long, long way to go.

To roll a kayak over in deep dark water while staying seated in it, is not something I can see myself doing.

Ever.

If you are upside down in dark water in a kayak, how do you turn back to the surface, even if you manage to remember where ‘up’ is?

The idea of facing my fears and doing it anyway have fallen by the wayside. Never mind wayside, my bravery has rolled down the road, fallen into a ditch, sunk deep into the mud, and I’m not even interested in finding it again.

The positives are that we had a great family day out at the leisure park: I did manage to climb the climbing frame higher than I thought possible, and I gained huge respect from my sixteen year old granddaughter when I managed to unfreeze her iPhone.

Back to the kayak: I did try a half turn holding onto the front of the instructor’s kayak in order to pull myself back up. Not possible. Not remotely possible. ‘Just flip it back up with your hip’ he said.

I had to be rescued.

Time to apply some timeless wisdom from my favourite Ascension teacher – ‘So What?’
I can’t roll a kayak over? ‘So What?’ I feel a failure, I couldn’t even do a half turn. ‘So What?’ I will never over come my fear of water. ‘So what?’

My conclusion? In time of need, just slide out of the thing splash-deck and all, if you capsize, and float to the surface – that is if you really wanted to go through all that, and I didn’t. I was happy to watch my husband and my ten year old grandson having a go.

At the level of the mind these thoughts bother me, but at the level of the spirit they don’t. If I just watch them, feel the feelings and judgements that go with them, they float in my awareness and loose their sting. I can be at peace with the fear without judging it.

Thank goodness for meditation, I might have drowned otherwise.